We’ve been bombarded by signs of the holiday season since early November. Turkeys, menorahs, and now, Santa and Christmas tunes in every store and on every radio station. If you’re like me, and from a blended family, the seasonal trappings can add a whole new level of stress.Whether they are formed after a death or divorce, blended families create a widening web of extended family relationships to be considered at celebration times, magnifying the complexities they experience all year round.
According to the Pew Research Center, in40% of U.S. families, at least one partner has a child from a previous relationship, far different fromthe mid-1970swhen my widowed dad married my stepmother. At that time, most children lived with two parents who were in their first marriage, and my only prior exposure to a blended family was the TV seriesThe Brady Bunch.Widower Mike, the father of three boys, married the mother of three girls, Carol. We only find out in a post-series Brady movie, that Carol’s husband had also died. Their past marriages are never really discussed in the series and no grandparents seem to exist.
After my dad’s remarriage, we followed a similar pattern, leaving the past behind to create a new future, resulting in diminished contact with my maternal relatives. My memoir,重新组装的艺术，讲述了我如何理解这种方法的损害。我了解到，即使他们具有挑战性，也要承认成为混合家庭的现实，这更健康。在假期可能会放大时，坦率在假期尤为重要。以下是拥抱复杂性的一些想法：
Soften Your Expectations
Releasing expectations of how the celebrations should go will foster the most helpful mindset. Expectations are insidious. They creep in under the radar of our awareness, forming sharp edges around our emotions. Then they poke others when they are not met. In advance of the holiday season and continuing as it unfolds, check in with yourself about expectations you are holding and try to let them go.
Initiate Communication
Ask everyone to weigh in on how to celebrate. Gaining insight into what the others in your blended family desire from the holiday season might help with releasing expectations. Maybe your children or stepchildren don’t really care as much about the things you thought were sacrosanct. Maybe they will have suggestions of how to balance time with all their different families that you hadn’t considered.
Put the Kids First
邀请您有关混合家庭的所有孩子的节日庆祝活动的意见以重要的方式将其集中，但是您必须通过优先考虑他们的偏好，即使（或尤其是）与您的偏好相冲突，就必须跟进。这并不意味着他们的每一个异想天开。只是让他们知道您在听。在离婚和再婚之类的重大决定中，孩子通常几乎没有发言权，主要影响他们。允许他们选择何时可以建立信任。
也包括自己
将孩子放在首位也不意味着完全忽略成人需求。假期很长，因此请在日历中抽出时间来激发喜悦或使您和平或将您与自己的历史和传统联系起来。当您养育自己时，您还为孩子和继子女提供了一个健康的模型。
Make Space for Emotions
Loss and change are inherent to any blended family, whether from a death or the end of a marriage. As with any loss, feelings of grief are likely to recur around holiday times, which serve as annual reminders of how things used to be. Accept that painful emotions occur. They may appear as angry outbursts or cold silence or sudden weepiness over something seemingly unrelated. Noticing and naming feelings allows them to flow through rather than escalate.
安排停机时间
当人们被破烂时，情绪更有可能渐强。允许日历中的空间以进行停机和休息。
创建新的回忆
虽然在混合家庭的所有分支上花费时间很重要，但创造新的记忆作为一个单位也很重要。它们可能非常简单，例如提供特殊的食物或聚会来进行电影之夜或一起散步。随着时间的流逝，新传统也可能有机地出现。
继续交流
After the holidays have passed, continue the communication. Ask everyone what they enjoyed, what they thought worked well, what was hard, and invite their input about future celebrations. Bring up the conversation at different times of year. It may be easier to discuss new ideas when the holidays are not immediately proximate.
Author钉康威practices Healing Touch energy therapy in Cincinnati, OH, where she also volunteers at a children’s grief center. She writes often about early mother loss and long-term grieving. Her first book,重新组装的艺术: A Memoir of Early Mother Loss and Aftergrief,现在出来了。